I’m Your Wife, Not Your Enemy

"How did you go from “Us to  'Me vs. You” in Our Marriage"

Girl, pull up a chair because we need to have a real talk. No filter, no sugar, just straight truth.

Have you ever been in a relationship—or maybe even right now in your marriage—where you feel like you’re in a competition with your own husband? Like instead of “us against the world,” it’s “me versus you”? Yeah, I’ve been there too. And let me tell you: it’s exhausting. I had to create a saying for myself: “I’m your wife, not your enemy.”

One day, my husband and I were going back and forth over something stupid. I mean, it was over who left the light on. But it wasn’t really about the light. It was about the fact that every little thing had turned into a fight.

So I stopped mid-sentence and said, “Look, I’m your wife. Not your enemy. Not your competitor. Stop treating me like I’m coming for your crown when all I’m trying to do is fix your damn cape.”

Sis, the silence that fell in that room… you could’ve heard a pin drop. It was a wake-up call for both of us.

When Home Feels Like a Battlefield

Marriage should be the soft, safe place. The place where your spirit can exhale after fighting every other battle outside those doors. But instead, too many of us—especially as Black women—are out here feeling like we’re in a boxing match with our own men.

I didn’t say “I do” to come home to round one, round two, and round three. I said “I do” because I thought we were building a team. But here’s what happens: men get caught up in these power struggles. They start thinking, “If she has a voice, she’s trying to take mine. If she’s strong, she must be trying to run me.” And next thing you know, your kitchen turns into a courtroom, your bedroom into a battlefield, and your marriage into a constant scorecard.

Fighting a Ghost

Sometimes, the man you married isn't even fighting you. He's fighting a ghost from his past.

He's so used to being hurt, criticized, and judged that he expects you to do the same. You'll say something in a calm way, but he'll hear it through the filter of his past relationships. He'll go on the defensive to shield himself from a blow that isn't even coming.

You shouldn't have to constantly reassure him that you're not his enemy, but sometimes, that's exactly what's required. You have to calm his fears and remind him that as his wife, you're here to help, not to hurt. You're not the enemy he expects. You're not the ghost of his past.

Because you're in a partnership. You lift each other up, and you don't expect him to do everything by himself. Changing those old expectations is a work in progress for him because the past can be a loud voice. But he has to choose to listen to the new voice—your voice—the voice of his wife.

The Weight We Carry

Being a woman of color in marriage hits differently. We’re already carrying cultural expectations, generational trauma, and sometimes financial pressure. We’re the moms, the daughters, the caretakers, the ones who show up for everybody. And because we know how to survive, we often come across strong—sometimes too strong for a man's ego.

But sis, our strength is not a competition; it's a contribution. And yet too many husbands take that as a threat. Suddenly, you’re the “enemy” in your own home, simply because you refuse to shrink yourself.

To the Men Who Might Be Reading

Fellas—if you stumbled across this, let me help you out.

Your wife is not out to replace you. She’s not out to belittle you. She’s not out to compete with you. She’s here to build with you.

When you look at her strength and see it as a challenge, you’re cutting off your own blessing. A strong wife doesn’t weaken you—she multiplies you. If you keep fighting her, you’re really just fighting yourself.

A Word for My Sisters

Now sis, let me talk to you directly because I know the silence we carry. We shrink ourselves just to “keep the peace.” We bite our tongue so we don’t bruise his ego. We tell ourselves, “Don’t say it, it’ll just start another argument.”

But peace that costs you your voice is fake peace. That ain’t peace—that’s prison.

You have every right to remind your man, “I’m your wife, not your enemy.” And if he can’t see it, if he insists on making you the villain in a story you came to co-write, then that’s his homework. Not yours.

A Kingdom, Not a Competition

Marriage isn't about who wears the crown. It’s about whether you can build a kingdom together. If both of you are busy fighting for the spotlight, the whole house goes dark. But if you remember that you’re on the same team, you can light up the whole block.

So the next time your man tries to drag you into a tug-of-war, plant your feet, look him in the eye, and remind him: “I’m your wife. Not your enemy. I didn’t come to battle you—I came to build with you.”

A Final Thought

Stop battling in your own house. Stop apologizing for being strong. Stop letting love feel like a war zone. You didn’t marry your enemy—you married your partner. And if he can’t see that, it’s time to remind him, or rethink what team he’s playing for.

"I’m your wife, not your enemy." Say it until you believe it. Say it until he understands it. Say it until the walls of your house hear it. Because love isn’t about keeping score. Love is about keeping each other standing.

And if we’re both still standing, baby, that’s a win.

Have you ever had to fight a ghost from the past in your relationship? Share your experience in the comments.