From Side Chick to Self-Worth: Why We Gotta Stop Settling for Sneaky Love
Let's get into it. You ever been so deep in a "situationship" that even your own shadow doesn't know what's going on? I'm talking about being the side chick.
Now, before you clutch your pearls or start side-eyeing the screen, let me say this: this ain't about judgment. It's about real talk. Woman to woman. Grown-folk style. Especially for us as Black women—because we carry not only our own emotional baggage but generations of silence, sacrifice, and "make it work" energy. And sometimes... that leads us into messy, murky love stories.
No little girl dreams of growing up to be "the other woman." So, what gives? Why do we find ourselves in these situations? This is about understanding the complex web of reasons that can lead a woman down this path and, more importantly, how to climb out and reclaim your power.
My Own Journey Through the Shadows
Let me keep it real—I've been her: “the other woman.”
I didn't plan to be. It started like this: He said he was “separated”. "She doesn't understand me." "We haven't shared a bed in months." "We're only together for the kids." Girl, the hits kept coming, and I believed every single track. I knew better than to get involved with a married man. I truly respected the commitment of marriage, but my emotional vulnerability and loneliness got the best of me.
It felt good at first—the attention, the excitement, the butterflies when his name popped up on my phone. All the emotions took over, silencing that little voice of intuition.
But here's what they don't tell you in the brochure for being a side chick:
You spend holidays alone. Christmas, New Year's Eve – days meant for celebration and togetherness – I was often alone, scrolling through social media, seeing happy couples and families, while my phone sat silent. Birthdays? Forget about a public celebration.
You don't get posted. We couldn't go anywhere public, not really. It was always out-of-the-way places, or my place, or his, always looking over our shoulders.
You keep your ringer on 24/7, hoping you can hear his voice before she walks into the room. My phone was glued to my hand, because you never knew when he’d have a spare minute to talk. If I missed it, that was it.
You spend years investing in someone who's never truly available—emotionally or otherwise.
And the drama? Child! One day, she found out. Guess what? He blamed me and made me out to be the pursuer. It was an embarrassment. To get through it, I convinced myself that I wasn’t the first woman to have an affair with a married man and probably wouldn't be the last. Anything to make myself feel better and get me through the hurt.
That anxiety was a constant companion, a dull ache in my chest. It felt like living a half-life, perpetually in the shadows. And that, my friends, is no way to live.
Why We End Up There: The Deeper Roots
My story isn't unique. It's a reflection of deeper societal and cultural currents, especially for us as Black women.
The Cultural Concoction: A Recipe for Complication
For generations, the narrative around relationships, marriage, and a woman's worth has been steeped in cultural traditions. For African American women, this narrative often comes with an added layer of historical weight. We've been taught to be strong and resilient, and to hold our families together, sometimes at all costs. But somewhere along the line, the messaging around our individual value, outside of our roles as nurturers or supporters, got a little... twisted.
Think about it: how often have we heard the phrase, "A man is hard to find"? This seemingly innocent saying, passed down through generations, can subtly embed a fear of scarcity. It can make a woman feel like she needs to hold on to whatever "piece" of a man she can get, even if that "piece" is already claimed. It's like trying to find a good parking spot at the mall on Black Friday—sometimes you settle for what's available, even if it's not ideal, just because the pickings are slim.
Then there's the societal pressure. We live in a world that often equates a woman's success and happiness with being in a relationship, specifically a marriage. If you're single past a certain age, the questions start: "When are you going to settle down?" "Don't you want a family?" This external pressure can be immense, leading some women to compromise on their desires and boundaries just to fit into a perceived societal norm.
Environmental Echoes: The Sound of Silence and Scarcity
Our environment plays a huge role too. In some communities, especially those impacted by systemic issues, the pool of eligible, committed men can genuinely feel smaller. Factors like incarceration rates, economic disparities, and even historical relationship traumas can contribute to this perception of scarcity. When options seem limited, desperation can creep in, making less-than-ideal situations appear more palatable.
And let's not forget the silence. For too long, the struggles and vulnerabilities of African American women in relationships have been swept under the rug. We're expected to be strong, to endure and to suffer in silence. This lack of open, honest dialogue about relationship challenges can leave women feeling isolated and without the support systems they need to make healthy choices. It’s like being lost in a dark room and refusing to turn on the light because you're afraid of what you might see.
Redefining Our Value: More Than Just a Supporting Role
One of the biggest shifts we need to make is in how we, as women, and how society values us. For too long, our worth has been tied to our ability to attract and keep a man, or to our role in supporting his dreams. But honey, your worth isn't determined by a man's presence or absence. It’s inherent. It’s divine.
When we internalize this, when we truly believe we are enough on our own, the allure of being a "side chick" starts to fade. Why settle for half a loaf when you deserve the whole bakery? (And maybe even the baker, if he’s cute and single!)
Spotting the Signs: Are You on the Edge?
If you find yourself consistently drawn to unavailable men, or if you're in a "side chick" situation and feeling a pull to understand why, here are some things to consider:
Low Self-Esteem: Do you feel like you're not good enough for a full, committed relationship? Do you believe you deserve less?
Fear of Loneliness: Is the idea of being alone more terrifying than sharing a man?
Unresolved Trauma: Have past betrayals or childhood experiences left you with a deep-seated fear of commitment or abandonment?
Societal Conditioning: Are you internalizing the message that a "man is hard to find" and settling for less than you deserve?
Emotional Needs Not Met: Are you getting some of your needs met, even if it's not all of them, in these types of relationships, and you're afraid to let go of even that partial fulfillment?
These are not judgments, but rather points of self-reflection. Recognizing these symptoms is the first step towards healing and reclaiming your power.
The Path Forward: Choosing You
This journey is about radical self-love and radical honesty. It’s about understanding that you are worthy of a love that is whole, undivided, and respectful. It’s about challenging those old narratives and writing your own story.
It won't be easy. There will be moments of loneliness, moments of doubt, and moments where the old patterns try to pull you back in. But remember this: you are resilient, you are powerful, and you deserve a love that celebrates you, not one that diminishes you.
So, let's keep this conversation going. Let's support each other as we navigate these complex waters. Because when we uplift each other, when we share our truths, we create a space for healing and for every woman to truly shine in her own light.
Until next time, stay blessed and know your worth!
